Magical Purple Elixir, Timely Hitting Have Sox in First Place

Here, at the All Star Break, the Boston Red Sox are in first place, and I think I know why. It has nothing to do with their money or front office smarts. No, there's a more important reason. It turns out that the Boston Red Sox are juiced, not with steroids, but with ... juice. J.D. Drew, Jonathan Papelbon, and several other Sox players are hooked on a Brazilian health drink called MonaVie. They swear that MonaVie is giving them a definite energy boost, helping them to compete at their very best.

MonaVie is no ordinary beverage, because it contains the juices of 18 different berries and fruits, including most prominently the acai berry (pronounced A-Sigh-EE). The acai berry is a super-berry that has been described by several scientists -- and more importantly by Oprah -- as one of the healthiest foods in the world. Some say that the acai berry is an anti-aging fruit, while others claim it can eradicate certain cancer cells. The berry also hits well with runners in scoring position and is a good glove man up the middle, so the Red Sox are obviously onto something.

Plus, it's purple, so you know it works.

Now, before you rush out to buy some MonaVie, whose name incidentally is derived from the Portuguese word for "Purple Gatorade," you should know a few things.

  1. It's not exactly cheap. Just one bottle of MonaVie costs upwards of forty dollars. (Mon Dieu!)
  2. It may not actually work. There are many who claim that you would do just as well with a glass of V8 juice every day.
  3. You can't buy it in stores. No, you have to buy it from a distributor who is part of a special multi-level-marketing program. After all, you can't spell bargain without the letters MLM. Or maybe you can. Never mind.

Despite all this, many Red Sox players are convinced that it works, and I can't blame them. If I just spent forty dollars on a purple performance enhancing elixir, I'm sure I could convince myself that it worked as well. With a price tag like that, the placebo effect must be massive.

In case you're worried about finding a distributor, fear not. Two members of the Red Sox have volunteered. First, there was J.D. Drew, who upon learning of the drink from former teammate Bobby Kielty, was so impressed that he decided to sign up right away as a distributor. Hey, when you make only $15 million a year, it helps to have a supplemental income.

Not since Rich Garces' clubhouse Tupperware parties of the late nineties have the entire Red Sox gotten behind a product like this. Soon, Jonathan Papelbon signed up as a distributor too. As Papelbon explained in the press release from MonaVie, "As a professional athlete, I get calls and offers for lots of things. I only do those that I believe in, and I believe in MonaVie." This would also explain why he's a spokesperson for Dunkin' Donuts.

Mmmn, there's nothing like a cruller dunked in MonaVie! What the doughnut taketh away, the purple elixir giveth back. Me? I'm just going to avoid Dunkin Donuts and MonaVie, and call it a draw.

Still, this may be the perfect opportunity for Red Sox fans to become a business partner with an actual Red Sox player. The blog Hugging Harold Reynolds directed me to J.D. Drew's MySpace page where he writes:

I have never been more excited about a product... Mona Vie is on track to becoming the number [sic] nutritional beverage company in the world within the next 2 years. I am looking for hungry business people and network marketers to join my team directly. I would be your sponsor, and plug you into a system of success.

This raises several intriguing questions, not the least of which is: J.D. Drew has a MySpace page? Well, of course, he does. It's the perfect way for the modern athlete to communicate with his fans about all the latest Jonas Brothers news. And is MySpace really the best spot he has to advertise? Jesus, buy your own domain name or something, J.D. Or have you already sunk all your money into this venture?

I was going to try some myself in order to give an impartial review, but unfortunately Papelbon wouldn't return my phone calls. I tried J.D. Drew too, but he wasn't picking up either. Apparently, they have more important things to do than selling me some magic berry juice. Fine, I'll take my forty bucks elsewhere.

It's a shame, because I'm sure they would have loved to hear about my new health drink. I call it Velocity 8, and I'm selling it for only thirty-five dollars a bottle. Velocity 8 is a red, viscous brew containing 8 different vegetables, the most prominent one being a North America vegetable (or possibly fruit) called the tomato (pronounced to-may-to, or in some circles to-mah-to).

And for a few dollars extra, I'll throw in some vodka, Tabasco sauce, and celery. Now, that's an energy drink.

    A periodic humor column, disguised as a blog. New columns published on Tuesdays or not as the case may be.


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