Joe Lavin's Humor Column

The Zen of Temping

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:33:00 -0500

Last year, Joshua Ferris wrote one of the best books I've read about office life called "Then We Came to the End." Admittedly, unless I'm mistaken, there are not a lot of novels in this genre. I don't think many are yearning to read about life in a cubicle. Or perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps there are legions of pirates, astronauts, and superagents longing for some good old escapist fare set in an office. There's nothing like taking the edge off some dangerous espionage with a bestseller about the trials and travails of reading spreadsheets and making PowerPoint presentations.

Nevertheless, Ferris' book is at times brilliant. My favorite passage comes during a downturn in business.

Hank Neary was an avid reader. He arrived early ... with a book taken from the library, copied all its pages on the Xerox machine, and sat at his desk reading what looked to a passerby like the honest page of business. He'd make it through a three-hundred page novel every two or three days.

This is the type of pure genius I wish I had possessed when I was temping in offices during the 1990s. There were several temp jobs on which I did read. For example, if not for being a temp, I don't think I would have ever gotten through Thomas Pynchon's mammoth "V." I read that over several days sitting at the front desk of an office, answering a phone that rang approximately once every seventeen minutes.

But, on many jobs, even if I had nothing to do, I had to appear busy, lest the HR director suddenly decide that I was no longer needed. I didn't dare read a book then, but reading a photocopied book would have been perfect. I soon learned that as long as it looked like you were doing work, you were safe.

As a writer, I also discovered that I could write on the job without anyone noticing. Even if no one had given me a task all day, supervisors would assume I was busy if they saw me typing. A few times, someone would start to give me work, and then stop. "Oh, you're busy," they would say and walk away before my guilty conscience had a chance to confess.

Back then, I never understood how people could let me sit there all day doing nothing, but I now understand, having been on the other side of the equation. Occasionally, I've had temps working for me, and I almost never know what work to give them. It always seems easier just to do the project myself rather than explaining it to someone else. The stress of coming up with a project for them to do -- you know, something exciting so that the temp won't think I'm lame -- usually gets to me, and I wind up giving them almost no work.

However, once in while, I have found tasks for them, and it's always a wonderful experience. Back when I was temping, I was always curious how people could be so impressed whenever I completed a task. People would shower me with praise for collating, and I never knew why. But now I do. Good temps can be like magical woodland creatures who materialize out of nowhere to do all the stupid projects that you have no interest in doing. On some days, it's like having an enchanted unicorn ride into your office on a rainbow to do that giant pile of photocopying that has been staring at you for the last six weeks.

Now, when I have a temp, I am ecstatic because it means that whatever lame, tedious project I was stuck with can be done by someone else, allowing me to be (allegedly) more productive. And if the temp can actually do the job decently, well, bonus!

"Wow, that's great. I was totally not going to bother putting those in alphabetical order."

Now, fortunately or not, I don't really have the time to goof off at work. I don't miss the boredom of having an empty day. I'm happy to have things to do, but on some days it would be nice to have one of those temp jobs again. Sometimes, a little mindless collating is just the kind of Zen-like activity I need to get through the day. If only, once in a while, I could hire a temp to do the latest financial projections, while I sat on the floor with a giant pile of filing, that would be perfect.

All Archery, All the Time

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:56:05 -0500

Like many Americans, I caught Olympic fever over the weekend. Admittedly, in my case, I already had the fever because of a head cold, and there wasn't much on television except the Olympics. Still, it was exciting, especially the American swimming victory over the French in the 4x100 freestyle relay. Short of defeating Al Qaeda for the gold medal, a come-from-behind victory over France is about the most exciting thing that can happen in the Olympics for Americans.

Franchise Naming Conventions

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:09:00 -0500

As the NBA thinks up a new nickname for the Oklahoma City (née Seattle) SuperSonics, it's clear that we are long overdue for some rules in naming sports franchises. For example, take a look at this list of names the NBA has recently patented:

Oklahoma City Thunder
Oklahoma City Marshalls
Oklahoma City Energy
Oklahoma City Wind
Oklahoma City Barons
Oklahoma City Bison

Of these, the only one slightly palatable is the Marshalls, because it at least has an Old West feel to it. The others are either dull (Barons), ill-thought out (Let's not go into why the Wind is a bad name.) or simply ridiculous (I can't wait for the Utility Bowl when the Energy meet the Heat!).

Average of Joe: Welcome to China

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0500

With the Beijing Olympics about to begin, here are a few pieces from my 2001 trip to Beijing:

Welcome To China
Inside the Forbidden City
Hello, Humor Column
On and Around the Great Wall
Rubber Dinosaurs and Cadavers

And finally, in The Boston Herald, I was just a little skeptical about how The Smog Olympics would turn out.

But, More Importantly, Do We Have a State Munchkin?

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:03:41 -0500

Recently, I needed to look up "Boston cream pie" on Wikipedia. Sometimes, these things just happen. Wikipedia informed me that the pie, which is really a cake, was created at Boston's Parker House Hotel in the 1850s. But, on the same page, I found something even more interesting. I learned that the Boston cream doughnut is the official state doughnut of Massachusetts.

Magical Purple Elixir, Timely Hitting Have Sox in First Place

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:04:31 -0500

Here, at the All Star Break, the Boston Red Sox are in first place, and I think I know why. It has nothing to do with their money or front office smarts. No, there's a more important reason. It turns out that the Boston Red Sox are juiced, not with steroids, but with ... juice. J.D. Drew, Jonathan Papelbon, and several other Sox players are hooked on a Brazilian health drink called MonaVie. They swear that MonaVie is giving them a definite energy boost, helping them to compete at their very best.

Average of Joe: The Retro Technology of Tomorrow

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0500

In 2005, I speculated that someone would eventually create a USB typewriter to use as a keyboard, and luckily someone has. (Link courtesy of the esteemed Professor Barnhardt.) Below is my retro piece on the retro technology of tomorrow (or today).

Last year, someone took a bulky old-style phone and made a cell-phone headset out of it. It was at once the dorkiest and coolest headset around and understandably a big hit online. This is not an isolated case. At Radio Shack, you can now buy modern phones that look so old-fashioned you'll feel like you're in the middle of "His Girl Friday." Revamped Beetles and Mini-Coopers are all over our roadways. Even Atari games are back in vogue. It seems that we all like our technology to be a little retro. Here then are some suggestions for the future of retro technology.

High Security

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:10:00 -0500

The other day, I was flipping through my copy of J.D. Salinger's "Catcher in the Rye," and I noticed a receipt in the book. I'm not sure if I was using it as a bookmark, or if it just ended up there by mistake. Holden Caulfield, however, would not be impressed, because it was a receipt for my February 1997 trip to Disneyland.

Is The Atlantic making us stupid?

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:23:26 -0500

Actually, that's not the question Nicholas Carr asks in the latest issue of The Atlantic. He asks instead, "Is Google making us stupid?" And the answer seems to be a resounding yes. Apparently, because of all the time we spend online, we are becoming a nation of idiots.

Death of Strangulation

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0500

Now that Father's Day is behind us, it may be time to retire the necktie as a present. In a recent survey, only 6% of men said that they wear a tie daily. A full 67% of men never wear a tie to work at all, which is only 66.999% ahead of the percentage of men who never wear pants to work.

Primary Lessons

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0500

Over the past sixteen months of the presidential campaign, I have learned many things. For example, I know that Barack Obama doesn't like to wear a flag lapel pin and that Hillary Clinton tends to get misty-eyed in diners. There was also something about universal health care and the war in Iraq, but don't quote me on that. Here are a few other things I have learned.

Dear Die-hard Celtics Fan

Tue, 27 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500

Hi, it's me, Joe. Remember me from the 1980s? Wow, those were good times, weren't they? Bird, McHale, Parish! That was just great. Anyway, I've heard that the Celtics are good again, so I thought I might come back and watch a few games.

Me? Oh, I'm doing fine. Not much is new. I've just been following the Red Sox and Patriots, watching parades, attending rallies, you know, that sort of thing.

Suggestions for Remakes of Classic Films

Tue, 20 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500

The Seven-Year Itch - Richard Sherman is left in the city on his own, while his wife is away on a business trip. All is going well until an attractive young woman moves into the apartment above him. Will he be able to control his libido in the presence of this fetching young beauty? Of course, he will -- that is, until he accidentally mixes up his blood pressure medicine with his Viagra.

The Audacity of Math

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 00:13:51 -0500

Here's my favorite quote from the election so far. It comes from Geoff Garin, a strategist for the Clinton campaign. Last week, when discussing the nomination process, Garin told the Washington Post, "We don't think this is just going to be about some numerical metric."

Scratching and Baseball: The Tradition Continues

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:32:10 -0500

The Massachusetts Lottery has just released a new $20 Boston Red Sox scratch ticket. Wow, it's humbling to realize that not only can I not afford Red Sox game tickets, soon I might not be able to afford Red Sox lottery tickets either. When these tickets were first offered, they cost $5 each, and even that seemed a little ridiculous. Now, suddenly they have quadrupled in price.