Joe Lavin's Humor Column http://www.joelavin.com/ en Copyright 2009 Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://www.rssboard.org/rss-specification Internet Resignation
It is with regret that I am announcing my resignation from the Internet, effective immediately. While I have greatly enjoyed my years on the Internet, I am now moving onto a new phase in my career that will not involve hitting the refresh button on my computer every two minutes to see if anything new has happened.

There comes a time in every career when one longs for a new challenge, when it is time to begin anew in a different situation. Therefore, despite the wonderful experiences I have had online, I have decided to move on. Also, my ass hurts from sitting in front of the Internet for so long.

I am happy to report that I will be taking a new position, in which I will read classic novels and loudly discuss them in pretentious cafes that do not have wireless connections. I will also be having daily discussions in which I announce (loudly) that all these newfangled toys are ruining Western civilization. This will be streamed live to anyone who has the misfortune to sit next to me in the aforementioned cafe. Beginning next year, I will also be starting a new project in which I claim to everyone that I don't own a television, while secretly owning a giant flat screen on which I watch TMZ every night.

As you can imagine, I am very excited about these new opportunities, but this does mean that I will be unable to fulfill my obligations to the Internet and will need to step down from my duties, whatever those duties happened to be. I know it may be difficult to find a replacement for me, so I will be happy to help -- oh, you already have a replacement. Never mind.

Please let me know if I can be of any assistance during the transition, although questions about Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and really anything that might be classified as Web 2.0 or beyond would best be addressed to someone else. I can, however, help with any searches on Red Sox news, obscure movie trivia, my own name, and whether it's raining outside. I also know how to use a blinking HTML tag. Further, I will be happy to bore youngsters with tales of what the Internet was like in 1996 when phrases like "information superhighway" could be used without quotation marks. Please let me know if I can be of any assistance in these areas.

Thank you for the opportunities for personal and professional development that you have provided me during these last fourteen years. Please be sure to stay in touch. Once I learn how people stay in touch without the Internet -- are there still such a thing as stamps? -- I will be sure to let you know.

Sincerely,

JoeLavin.com

]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2009/10/internet-resignation.html http://www.joelavin.com/2009/10/internet-resignation.html Internet Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 25 Random Things about Me for Spammers
2.    I liked my first pet so much that I named my banking password after him.
 
3.    My favorite actor is Morgan Freeman. Interestingly, he has the same last name as my mother had, although Morgan and I are not related.

4.    If I had to see just one Morgan Freeman movie, it would have to be "The Shawshank Redemption." That's definitely my all-time favorite movie. Ironically, Shawshank was also the name of my high school. 

5.    The last four numbers of my social security number are the same as the year I was born, 1979. I bet that doesn't happen too often!


]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2009/03/25things.html http://www.joelavin.com/2009/03/25things.html Facebook Identity Theft Mon, 02 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0500 Tips for Starting a News Workout Plan

]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2009/01/newsworkout.html http://www.joelavin.com/2009/01/newsworkout.html Media Politics Tue, 27 Jan 2009 00:00:00 -0500 Surviving the Bad Times in Style
]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/12/brookstone.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/12/brookstone.html Christmas Tue, 16 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0500 The Best Holographic Team on Television

]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/11/hologram.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/11/hologram.html Election '08 Media Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:04:00 -0500 Obama Vs. McCain game election tonight.

Instead, here are some links to some pieces I did back when neither candidate was particularly favored for the nomination. Back then, I managed to see both Obama (with a little Kennedy/Kerry on the side) and McCain (with a touch of Bill Clinton). Throw in a little Chuck Norris too, and it was quite an election year.

And finally, I was very excited to discover that I can vote on perhaps the most awesome and/or ridiculous ballot initiative of the year. I've often joked about government by jury duty, but here's Question 5 (non-binding!) for Somerville, MA:

Question 5: Shall the state representative from this district be instructed to vote in favor of amending the state Constitution to replace the state Legislature with 100 randomly selected adult residents of the Commonwealth, each serving a one-year term, to be called the Commonwealth Jury and to have all the legislative and other powers of the current Legislature?
Wow, Commonwealth Jury Duty! I would almost be tempted to vote for this, except that I don't want to end up getting called for one year of jury duty. Try explaining that to your boss!  
]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/11/obama-vs-mccain.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/11/obama-vs-mccain.html Average of Joe Tue, 04 Nov 2008 01:00:00 -0500 General (Election) Lessons
Always make sure to cash in before the election is over.

I know it's a big controversy, but I don't have a problem with Sarah Palin spending $150,000 on clothes. I figure it's just campaign money. Either they use it to cut another commercial on how horrible Obama is, or they can dress the Governor in some fancy clothes. That may be the closest we'll get to positive campaigning.
]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/10/generallessons.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/10/generallessons.html Election '08 Lessons Politics Tue, 28 Oct 2008 01:29:46 -0500 Superstitious Post-Mortem
I realize now that this may have been a big mistake. After all, I was a superstitious mess in both 2004 and 2007, and it clearly worked. In the past, I have assigned magical powers to a variety of items, including unsalted potato chips, the green Red Sox cap of a friend in England, Shaw's Boston Crème Pie, the corner booth of a pizzeria, and, of course, my friend Anna.
]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/10/soxsuperstition.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/10/soxsuperstition.html Baseball Red Sox Superstition Tue, 21 Oct 2008 01:00:00 -0500 The Election So Far: An A to Z Guide A is for Alaska, no longer a forgotten state.

B is for the Bridge to Nowhere, which used to go to the 21st Century until it was diverted.

C is for change. Of what exactly, we're not entirely sure, but we know we like it.

D is for diner, a popular establishment in which crying is encouraged. Also, try their Belgian Waffle special.

E is for earmark, what we'll all give to McCain if we have to hear about them one more time

]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/10/electiona-z.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/10/electiona-z.html Election '08 Politics Tue, 14 Oct 2008 00:00:42 -0500 Early Signs of Debate Fatigue
]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/09/debate08.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/09/debate08.html Election '08 Politics Mon, 29 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0500 Three Dimensions are Better than Two aba.jpgFor those basketball fans who don't like the NBA, an exciting new basketball league is here. Make that old league. The American Basketball Association is back. For those who don't watch Will Ferrell movies, the ABA is a league from the 1970s most famous for its red, white, and blue basketball and Dr. J's Afro. The original league eventually merged with the NBA, but now another league with the same name has arrived. Actually, they arrived in 2000, and eight years later they've almost finished the league web site!



]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/09/aba.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/09/aba.html Basketball Tue, 23 Sep 2008 00:03:00 -0500 Imaginary Athletics ]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/09/imaginary-athletics.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/09/imaginary-athletics.html Basketball Collecting Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0500 Average of Joe: Here's to Moving Day Moving Day in Boston (aka Labor Day) that I wrote last year. Good luck to those who are moving, and, hey, is that stuff you just put out on the curb up for grabs?  ]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/08/average-of-joe-heres-to-moving.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/08/average-of-joe-heres-to-moving.html Average of Joe Moving Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:15:00 -0500 The Zen of Temping ]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/08/temping.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/08/temping.html Office Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:33:00 -0500 All Archery, All the Time ]]> http://www.joelavin.com/2008/08/onlineolympics.html http://www.joelavin.com/2008/08/onlineolympics.html Beijing Olympics Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:56:05 -0500