Suggestions for Remakes of Classic Films

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The Seven-Year Itch - Richard Sherman is left in the city on his own, while his wife is away on a business trip. All is going well until an attractive young woman moves into the apartment above him. Will he be able to control his libido in the presence of this fetching young beauty? Of course, he will -- that is, until he accidentally mixes up his blood pressure medicine with his Viagra.
North by Northwest - Roger Thornhill wakes up to find that his identity has been stolen by a shady organization. After an exciting train chase across North America and a climactic scene at Mount Rushmore, he confronts the culprits and discovers that he could have just called the 800 number on his statement and cancelled his credit card instead.

Kelly's Heroes - A motley group of U.S. soldiers in Africa learn that the widow of the former Prime Minister of Nigeria has over $100 million in a secret bank account and is being held against her will by rebel forces. She is willing to split the money with the rough but lovable soldiers, if they are willing to save her. After a thrilling attack behind enemy lines, our heroes free the woman, only to learn that there is no money and that she isn't the widow of the former Prime Minister, nor even a woman. Also, they owe $256,000 in bank fees.

Soylent Green - "It's people! Soylent Green is genetically modified people, full of high trans fat and cholesterol that will make us all obese and at a greater risk for heart disease, unless we drink red wine with it like the French!"

Pillow Talk - Jan Morrow is never able to use the expensive online dating service she recently joined, because her inconsiderate neighbor Brad Allen is stealing her WiFi connection and using all her bandwidth to download movies and songs illegally through BitTorrent. However, after the footloose bachelor manages to disguise his identity by spoofing his IP address, he goes to the same online dating service and begins to seduce her. Jan gradually falls in love with him, not knowing that his downloads were what caused the recording industry to sue her for $58,000.  

Casablanca - Exactly like the original, except it's set in the future, and Humphrey Bogart is played by Pamela Anderson.

12 Angry Men - Twelve jurors decide the fate of a Hollywood starlet in a DUI trial. One man tries to convince the others to accept the defense's contention that her breathalyzer test results should not be considered as evidence, because she was drunk when she agreed to take the test and therefore was not of rational mind to make a decision that could incriminate her.

The Graduate - A recent college graduate discovers that the mother of his roommate is quite attractive. In fact, she appears to be a mother with whom he might like to fraternize.

His Girl Friday - Blogger Hildy Johnson has divorced fellow blogger Walter Burns. She visits him in his parent's basement to tell him that she is about to be remarried. Burns wants her back, so he uses an Internet smear campaign to get her fiancée thrown in jail. Surprisingly, it's not that difficult.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - And becomes a lobbyist. He discovers there really is a lot of money to be made in Washington, if you don't care at all about the issues. And you can get girls too.

Citizen Kane - Charles Foster Kane, a former gold medalist bobsledder, utters the word "google," just before dying. A reporter researches the bobsledder's life to figure out why this was Kane's final word, only to discover that Kane always regretted dropping out of the Google IPO in order to pursue his career as an international bobsledder.

Rear Window - A wheelchair-bound photographer realizes that he never needs to leave his house ever again, thanks to the Internet.
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