Santa's Archives

|
With the recent opening of Santa's archives from the 1970s, historians have discovered a wealth of valuable documents, including this one from yours truly.

To: Santa's Castle

From: Joey Lavin

December 18, 1978

Dear Santa, Please give me

Sorry

Obviously, I was a little worried about Santa thinking I was bad and not bringing me any presents. I was, after all, a seven-year-old boy. I probably had been bad. At the time, it must have seemed prudent to start off in a slightly more polite manner.

Dear Santa,

Please try to give me all thease (sic) present (sic) and all of the wrapping paper. Please have a little red on them.

Love,

Joey Lavin

I guess the seven-year-old me liked a little flair. Make sure the wrapping paper is pretty, Santa!

1. Jim Rice's Baseball card

I always thought Fred Lynn was my favorite Red Sox player as a kid, but in 1978 apparently it was Jim Rice. Apparently, it really was Jim Rice, as you'll see later.

I remember being really into baseball cards then, the theory being that all my baseball cards would become immensely valuable in the 21st century, at which point I could retire and live off the proceeds. Alas, this didn't work out quite as I had expected.

2. Jim Rice's picture

See, now this isn't so bad. Technically, of course, Santa could have skipped this one since the baseball card already contained a picture of Jim Rice. However, this was probably one of the easiest items on the list, and he no doubt jumped at the chance to get it for me.

3. Jim Rice's autograph on a baseball

Let's review. Seven days before Christmas, I was asking for an autograph from a Boston Red Sox baseball player who spent the off-season in South Carolina. I hope I wasn't too shattered when I just got a baseball. At this point, there was probably considerable worry that number four on the list would be Jim Rice himself.

4. Numbers that are on stikers (sic) that you can take off and they go back on

Well, I don't know what this is exactly, though back then I clearly knew exactly what I wanted. I believe that this was so I could catalog all my baseball memorabilia. It seems that I was a budding little librarian back then.

5. Every major league 1978-79 yearbook except Boston, NY's yearbook

My poor parents, I mean, poor Santa. Seriously, did Santa have to put up with this from other seven-year-olds? This at least explains why there are yearbooks from the Detroit Tigers, Milwaukee Brewers, and Cleveland Indians in the back of the closet of my childhood room. I hope I wasn't too disappointed when I didn't get the yearbooks from the other teams.

By the way, the reason I didn't want the Red Sox or Yankee yearbooks was that I already had them and was now ready for all the rest. My theory is that Milwaukee, Detroit, and Cleveland were on Santa's route from the North Pole to Boston, and Santa was able to stop in a convenience store on the way down. He probably picked up some beer and cigarettes for himself as well.

6. Every baseball team's uniform.

Except for the Yankees, because they stink.

6. (sic) A picture of Santa

At last, something reasonable. This would have been even more ideal if it had been on cardboard and listed Santa's vital statistics on the back.

7. Quiz Whiz

Wow, did I ever get a Quiz Whiz? Considering the other items on the list, it's very possible that I got two Quiz Whizzes.

8. Sky Boots

I have no idea what these were. At first, I thought I might have been asking for ski boots, but then I remembered that I hated skiing back then. (It was cold, and there weren't any statistics to keep track of.) It's quite possible that I was asking for boots that allowed one to walk across the sky, meaning that there was just as much chance of getting these as many of the other items on my list.

9. Subscription for a Sports Illustrated magazine

Bonus points if Jim Rice were on the cover.

10. Chalk
11. A blackboard

An excellent way to recreate all the fun of the classroom back at home! Yeah, I was a little weird as a child.

12. A small baseball game

In case, you hadn't noticed I was sort of into baseball back then.

13.

Strangely, I wrote number 13 down, but then nothing after it. There are only two possibilities. One, I had run out of presents that I wanted, which, of course, is highly unlikely. Or two, my parents had cited the little known rule that all lists to Santa could only contain twelve presents and no more. After all, who knows what I would have come up with had I gotten really creative?

  • http://JoeLavin.com

    A periodic humor column, disguised as a blog. New columns published on Tuesdays or not as the case may be.

    joe@joelavin.com

Archives

  • I've written for Slate, The Boston Globe Magazine, Salon, McSweeney's, WBUR Radio, The Christian Science Monitor, The Globe and Mail, and many other publications. Thanks for dropping by. I hope you enjoy my Internet column.

  • ©1995-2009 Joe Lavin