After much deliberation, I have decided to step down from my position as Database Account Manager here at Blair Morris. I would first like to thank all of you for a great seven years and also fill you in a little on my future plans. As some of you have already heard, I am leaving Blair Morris in order to search full time for Big Foot, the well-known hairy beast that has eluded so many. I consider this to be really more of a lateral career move, and I am excited at the new challenges this opportunity will provide.
Frankly, I am something of an individualist. While I have enjoyed the team work and corporate camaraderie here, I find I am hungry for something else. Searching for Sasquatch will allow me the chance to work independently towards a well-defined goal, and at this point in my career I feel that would be best for me.
As some of you know from my impromptu lectures on the subject in the break room, the search for Big Foot has long been a hobby of mine. You'll find much of my work on the subject in the current Big Foot entry in Wikipedia. (A few of my contributions have recently been edited out, but you can still find them by clicking on history and scrolling down a bit.) While some naysayers might argue that Big Foot doesn't exist and that he is therefore impossible to find, these are also the same people who won't admit the existence of UFOs either, so I would take what they have to say with a grain of salt.
Of course, I want you all to know that I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here at Blair Morris. I would especially like to thank our corporate officers for the very kind words they said about me in yesterday's announcement of my departure. ("Database Account Manager to leave Blair Morris to spend more time with family.") However, as I am single and have no children, the subject line was not strictly true. I understand their hesitancy to announce the real reason for my departure. Some of you no doubt are thinking that Old Bobby has finally lost it! But I am proud of my new career goals, and frankly I could use the publicity as I embark on this exciting new journey. (Those of you who would like to donate towards the cause will find information on my PayPal account attached to this message.)
Luckily, I already have several solid leads. It turns out that Elvis Presley works at my local gas station, and I think he may know a thing or two about Big Foot's whereabouts. And I gathered much good information at last month's meeting of the Database Administrator/Big Foot Enthusiasts Conference in Seattle. (Thanks, Corporate, for footing the bill on that one!) You wouldn't believe the cool database we've put together with all our leads.
Granted, I have made some mistakes. I'll admit that the Loch Ness Monster fiasco was embarrassing -- I understand now that the unidentified object in my vacation snapshots was actually a green band-aid on my thumb -- but I have learned much from the experience and am anxious to apply those lessons to this new chapter in my life. And contrary to some rumors, the editors at Weekly World News do indeed still take my calls.
And so I look forward to this new adventure with much anticipation, even while I look back fondly on my years as part of the Blair Morris family. Be sure to stop by my going-away party on Friday afternoon where I'll premiere my new sketches of what the real Big Foot would look like if he were wearing a space helmet. It should be a blast. And if any of you want to get away from your computer and head out into the Great Wilderness to help me in my spine-tingling search for the Real Big Foot - even if only for a few days -- be sure to stay in touch! Together, we can find the big guy!
Database Account Manager
Blair Morris, Inc.
P.S. Good luck on the major data integration project next month! It should be quite an undertaking, but with just a few all-nighters I know you all can do it.