My Profound Effect on the World Series

|
As many of you know, baseball players are incredibly superstitious, but they've got nothing on fans. We all have our own little foibles to help get us through the games. Here then are a few items from my apartment and beyond that have been deemed lucky or unlucky during the baseball playoffs.
My "Foulke the Yankees" t-shirt - Lucky
It's not usually my style to wear a shirt like this, but I first put it on after the Yankees went up 3-0 on the Red Sox. Keith Foulke and the Red Sox then proceeded to win the next four games. You be the judge.

Incidentally, this shirt was given to me by the family that trademarked the "Foulke the Yankees" slogan. Who knew you could even hold a trademark on something like this? If these people are making money on "Foulke the Yankees," you have to wonder how much money the guy who owns the "Yankees suck" slogan has made.

Wise Lightly-Salted Potato Chips - Lucky
The Red Sox have managed to win every game during which I ate these, although there was a bit of a crisis this weekend when my supermarket was out of them. (Perhaps others are onto their secret powers.) I was forced instead to buy Shaw's No-Salt Potato Chips, which pretty much sucked but managed to do the job. I can't wait until the playoffs are over, and I can eat a fully salted potato chip again.

Of course, you have to be careful with these things. Last year, during the Red Sox-Yankees series, my roommate and I thought that Shaw's Boston Crème Pie was lucky, until we stuck with it just a little too long in Game 7. We all know how that turned out. Personally, I think the Wise Lightly-Salted Potato Chips have a little more power left in them, but I'll be sure to have a quick hook in case there's any trouble.

Fruits and Vegetables - Unlucky
Notice how healthy foods are never considered to be lucky. Have you ever heard of lucky broccoli? No, that would just be ridiculous.

Beer - Lucky
Here's Johnny Damon in February on his off-season workout regiment: "I barely touched the weights, did a couple of push-ups here and there. I'm gaining weight the right way. I'm drinking beer." Considering that he has gone on to have one of his best seasons, the beer plan obviously worked. Sure, he didn't do well at first against the Yankees, but then in game seven, he hit two home runs, including a grand slam.

Could other athletes start copying his training? I wouldn't be surprised. Beer: the new steroid. As my girlfriend who lives in Canada says, "Hey, thirty million Canadians can't be wrong."

Peanuts - Unlucky
During game six of the ALCS, I believe that my opening of a can of peanuts was directly responsible for a home run by Bernie Williams of the Yankees. Mere seconds passed between the first peanut entering my mouth, and the baseball leaving the stadium. As you can imagine, there was no way I was going to finish those peanuts.

Pacing - Indeterminate
As this is what I have been doing at every crucial moment of the playoffs, the numbers are somewhat inconclusive. However, from a recent survey, it appears that pacing is lucky approximately four times out of seven.

Roommate - Unlucky
Unlike last year, I don't have one, and the team seems to be responding.

Lunar Eclipse - Indeterminate
We'll find out the answer to this on Wednesday when there will be a lunar eclipse in the middle of game four. I don't know how I feel about this. Momentous events always make me nervous when they involve the Red Sox. Then again, an eclipse would really be no more momentous than a Red Sox victory in the World Series.

One can only imagine how this eclipse will affect Fox's coverage. I shudder to think of their pre-game show. "Tonight, Albert Pujols and the Cardinals try to take one small step for St. Louis, while David Ortiz and the Red Sox are shooting for the moon, but how will they hit the moon when they can't even see it? Next, it's the lunar eclipse on Fox."

If somebody tries to use a telestrator on the moon, I swear I'm switching to the radio.

Pants - Lucky
I had you worried there for a second, didn't I?

Cadavers - Lucky
This is the craziest story ever. Curt Schilling almost didn't make his last two starts because of a dislocated tendon in his ankle. The Red Sox doctors responded by stitching this tendon to his skin to prevent it from moving during the game, an untried procedure so radical that they first had to test it out on a cadaver.

I don't know anything about this lucky cadaver, but personally I like to think that it's some Red Sox fan who was finally able to help his team beat the Yankees. And I just have to say that this is my absolute favorite cadaver in the entire world. In short, this cadaver rocks!
  • http://JoeLavin.com

    A periodic humor column, disguised as a blog. New columns published on Tuesdays or not as the case may be.

    joe@joelavin.com

Archives

  • I've written for Slate, The Boston Globe Magazine, Salon, McSweeney's, WBUR Radio, The Christian Science Monitor, The Globe and Mail, and many other publications. Thanks for dropping by. I hope you enjoy my Internet column.

  • ©1995-2009 Joe Lavin