Joe Lavin

June 13, 2006

Ideal Day


"Why, thanks, Joe for pointing out my errors and transgressions. I guess being a liberal isn't so bad, after all," Ann Coulter exclaimed as she waved a friendly good-bye. She's really not nearly as difficult as I had expected, especially after she admitted she had made such horrible mistakes criticizing the 9-11 widows and imploring us to start a new crusade in the Middle East. She's fiery, but sometimes you just need to reason with Ann. I was also glad that she said she was going to eat a little more. Frankly, I was a little worried that she wasn't getting enough to eat. "Oh, I'm late for my lunch with Dan Rather. Gotta run," she announced before heading off.

That was okay. I was a little late too, but luckily I was able to get a taxi at just the right moment to take me to the White House. And it was affordable too! I didn't even know taxi companies offered half-price specials. The meeting with President Bush went surprisingly well. I was a little worried that he'd get all ornery like he does on TV, but he turned out to be perfectly reasonable, after I good-naturedly explained to him all his many mistakes. "Hey, Red," -- that was his little nickname for me. It's true. He really does make you feel like a friend. -- "what do you say you join my cabinet?" he asked.

"Aw, shucks, Mr. President," I said. I had to decline, of course. With my book tour and all the supermodels I was dating, I just didn't have enough time. Gosh, you'd think supermodels would get all jealous when you date more than one of them at a time, but it turns out that they don't mind at all. They're very agreeable, the supermodels.

Of course, Dubya -- he insisted that I call him that -- kept asking that I join his cabinet. "With you in my cabinet, I'm sure my polls would surge through the roof, or at least back to 35%." After a while, I just got embarrassed from all the attention. Finally, I promised that I'd call once every few days with advice, and that seemed to satisfy him.

As I left, he thanked me once more for solving the problem in the Middle East, though it was really nothing. Anyone could have found Osama Bin Laden. I still can't understand why no one else thought to look in the secret cabinet behind the bookcase. After finding Osama, it was just a matter of getting all the sides around a table and letting them talk it out. I don't think I did anything special, certainly not enough to warrant the Nobel Peace Prize.

But, as Jimmy Carter told me after presenting me with the Nobel that afternoon, "Sometimes, people just need to praise you, and you just have to let them. It makes them feel better about themselves."

Well, after that, as you can imagine, I needed to take a break, so I stopped by a sandwich shop and ordered a nice triple-decker club. Of course, after reading this morning's new report in the New England Medical Journal about how bacon can cure cancer, I was sure to ask for some extra bacon. The researchers insisted that I take an author credit for all my scientific contributions to the project, but I wanted them to get the attention they deserved, so I humbly declined. That's just the kind of guy I am. After that I tried to pay for my sandwich, but the guy at the cash register wouldn't take my money on account of me solving the whole Middle East thing.

Outside the deli, whom did I run into but Derek Jeter of the Yankees? You know, he's really not so bad, after all. After a few moments, he clearly saw my point and realized that he did in fact suck. I find that sometimes all it takes is a free and honest exchange of ideas, and you can easily reach consensus. He confided in me that he was thinking of retiring, so as not to bother those nice Red Sox fans any longer. Of course, I have to admit I was surprised when he mentioned me by name in his press conference to announce his retirement that night. I've given Derek a hard time in the past, but I have to say sometimes he can be a pretty swell guy, even if he does suck.

After finding a winning lottery ticket on the ground, I then decided to head home, but not before running into the paparazzi. I agreed to let them take a picture of me, as long as all the proceeds went to charity. They were getting a little too close though, so we had a little chat, and they all agreed to respect my personal space and only bother me once a week. Nice chaps, the paparazzi.

And that was pretty much the entire day, though there were a few messages on my machine when I got home. Ann called to tell me that her date with Dan Rather went really well. "He's not nearly as liberal as I thought, and he was quite the gentleman," she gushed. I know how excited she can get, so I counseled her to be sure and take it real slow with Dan.

Oh, Dubya called too. He wanted to know which proposal he should send to Congress first -- the one to increase taxes on the wealthiest 1% or the one to fight big oil and solve the whole global warming problem. I told him to go with the tax hikes for the rich first. Global warming is important and all, but I don't want the Republicans solving all the problems while they're in office.

Finally, Theo Epstein called and wanted me to evaluate some Red Sox pitching prospects, but I told him that would have to wait for another day. He understood and thanked me for convincing Jeter to retire. And then I had a nice piece of blueberry pie and watched some TV. I'm glad my proposal to eliminate all TV commercials was finally accepted by the FCC.

And then at last I dozed off to a nice, peaceful sleep. I made sure to get to bed early, because I knew that tomorrow was going to be an especially busy day.


©2006 Joe Lavin

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