Results tagged “Election '08” from Joe Lavin's Humor Column

The Best Holographic Team on Television

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As you all know, last Tuesday was a historic night for America. That night, for the very first time ever, a hologram appeared on CNN. Sure, a black man was elected President for the first time also, but let's not forget the holograms who had previously been relegated to cheesy sci-fi movies and British sitcoms. Now, though, as never before, holograms were on a serious and respected news program. Well, sort of serious and respected.


General (Election) Lessons

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A few lessons I've learned from the campaign, while trying to figure out if the poll released five minutes ago is more of a "game changer" than the poll released ten minutes ago...

Always make sure to cash in before the election is over.

I know it's a big controversy, but I don't have a problem with Sarah Palin spending $150,000 on clothes. I figure it's just campaign money. Either they use it to cut another commercial on how horrible Obama is, or they can dress the Governor in some fancy clothes. That may be the closest we'll get to positive campaigning.

The Election So Far: An A to Z Guide

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A is for Alaska, no longer a forgotten state.

B is for the Bridge to Nowhere, which used to go to the 21st Century until it was diverted.

C is for change. Of what exactly, we're not entirely sure, but we know we like it.

D is for diner, a popular establishment in which crying is encouraged. Also, try their Belgian Waffle special.

E is for earmark, what we'll all give to McCain if we have to hear about them one more time

Early Signs of Debate Fatigue

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We've had our first presidential debate of the general election, and I think Obama was clearly the winner. Admittedly, I fell asleep at one point and dreamt that Obama saved a baby girl from an abandoned well. I especially enjoyed the part later when Obama rode a unicycle through town and threw out free health care packages to the residents, while from behind the rainbow McCain threw rocks into the spokes of the unicycle. So I think it's fair to say that Obama won on points, though I suppose I might have seen a slightly different debate than the rest of America.

Primary Lessons

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Over the past sixteen months of the presidential campaign, I have learned many things. For example, I know that Barack Obama doesn't like to wear a flag lapel pin and that Hillary Clinton tends to get misty-eyed in diners. There was also something about universal health care and the war in Iraq, but don't quote me on that. Here are a few other things I have learned.

The Audacity of Math

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Here's my favorite quote from the election so far. It comes from Geoff Garin, a strategist for the Clinton campaign. Last week, when discussing the nomination process, Garin told the Washington Post, "We don't think this is just going to be about some numerical metric."

Phoning it in for the Candidates

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Lately, I've been checking out the web sites of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. This is mainly because I somehow ended up on both their mailing lists, and I get umpteen e-mails every day from each campaign (margin of error: +/- one ump). Lately, Clinton has been asking me to contribute as little as five dollars, while Obama has been asking me to help him reach his goal of making one and a half million phone calls by today.

1. Call up a rival campaign for a ride to the polls. While you're chauffeured to the polls, that's one less person who can vote for the other side, giving you a net gain of two votes. As a bonus, see if they'll swing by the supermarket for you too.

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Obama: Campaigning to the Choir

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Last week, on Super Tuesday, Hillary Clinton was the big winner in Massachusetts. She always led in the polls, so it shouldn't have been a surprise. But, after seeing Barack Obama speak in Boston to a crowd of thousands the night before, I couldn't imagine that he would lose. 

The Globe and Mail: Love You, Hate Your President

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"Do you know what your president just did?" There is nothing that can dampen a romantic mood quite like those words. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you are an American dating a Canadian, and your president is George W. Bush. It doesn't matter that I never voted for the man and rarely agree with him myself. Whenever he does or says something Jody deems stupid, she tells me. There are some who worry about Bush's effect on my country's standing in the world. I worry more about his effect on my love life.

Dry Cleaners for Hillary

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On the day before the New Hampshire Primary, I saw what I thought would be a signature moment in the campaign of Hillary Clinton, but then I got home that night and all anyone on TV wanted to talk about was whether she had cried at some diner in Portsmouth. 

Chuck Norris for Secretary of Defense

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To be honest, I never really expected to see Chuck Norris in my life. And, if I was going to meet Chuck Norris, I certainly didn't expect that it would happen in New Hampshire at the Londonderry Middle School Cafeteria. But that's where he was on Saturday morning, campaigning for President with his running mate, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

Vacationing with the Candidates

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I had a few days off after Christmas, and so on Saturday I drove to New Hampshire to see both John McCain and Bill Clinton. Boy, do I really know how to have a good time? Next vacation, I'm planning to go to Washington and watch somebody make a law.

The Road to the White House and/or Nashua

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A few moments from the New Hampshire campaign trail...

Boston Sports Review: The El Guapo/Obama Ticket

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You have to hand it to Rich Garces. He's no longer in the Majors, but he may be the only pitcher who has his own sponsor for every appearance. Whenever he pitched this year for the independent league Nashua Pride, fans heard this announcement: "El Guapo is brought to you by the New Hampshire Business Resource Center in Concord."

WBUR Radio: Yesterday's Primary

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A version of my Slate piece on the New Hampshire primary, as read by me during Morning Edition on WBUR Radio in Boston.

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Slate: Yesterday's Primary

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In a stunning twist, the state of South Carolina has announced that it will move its presidential primary from Feb. 2, 2008, up to next Tuesday, a decision that has pushed the nomination schedule into massive disarray.

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