October 2009 Archives

Internet Resignation

Dear Colleagues,

It is with regret that I am announcing my resignation from the Internet, effective immediately. While I have greatly enjoyed my years on the Internet, I am now moving onto a new phase in my career that will not involve hitting the refresh button on my computer every two minutes to see if anything new has happened.

There comes a time in every career when one longs for a new challenge, when it is time to begin anew in a different situation. Therefore, despite the wonderful experiences I have had online, I have decided to move on. Also, my ass hurts from sitting in front of the Internet for so long.

I am happy to report that I will be taking a new position, in which I will read classic novels and loudly discuss them in pretentious cafes that do not have wireless connections. I will also be having daily discussions in which I announce (loudly) that all these newfangled toys are ruining Western civilization. This will be streamed live to anyone who has the misfortune to sit next to me in the aforementioned cafe. Beginning next year, I will also be starting a new project in which I claim to everyone that I don't own a television, while secretly owning a giant flat screen on which I watch TMZ every night.

As you can imagine, I am very excited about these new opportunities, but this does mean that I will be unable to fulfill my obligations to the Internet and will need to step down from my duties, whatever those duties happened to be. I know it may be difficult to find a replacement for me, so I will be happy to help -- oh, you already have a replacement. Never mind.

Please let me know if I can be of any assistance during the transition, although questions about Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and really anything that might be classified as Web 2.0 or beyond would best be addressed to someone else. I can, however, help with any searches on Red Sox news, obscure movie trivia, my own name, and whether it's raining outside. I also know how to use a blinking HTML tag. Further, I will be happy to bore youngsters with tales of what the Internet was like in 1996 when phrases like "information superhighway" could be used without quotation marks. Please let me know if I can be of any assistance in these areas.

Thank you for the opportunities for personal and professional development that you have provided me during these last fourteen years. Please be sure to stay in touch. Once I learn how people stay in touch without the Internet -- are there still such a thing as stamps? -- I will be sure to let you know.



  • http://JoeLavin.com

    A periodic humor column, disguised as a blog. New columns published on Tuesdays or not as the case may be.


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