Attack of the TV Clones

Conventional wisdom suggests that human cloning is just years away, but I maintain that human cloning already exists, except that it's reserved only for branded television personalities. What other explanation could there be for all that's on your television? It seems that 75% of what's on is hosted by the same ten people. Here are a few who have already been cloned.

Rachel Ray -- I actually figured this out when I noticed that the Food Network would be airing an episode of "Rachel Ray Feeds Your Pets," leading one to assume that they've made one clone too many of Rachel. You wouldn't have caught Julia Child doing a dog food show, and I would hope Rachel Ray 1.0 wouldn't have done it either. "And now here's a raw steak bone for Buster. Delish!" Who knew that the next "Iron Chef" secret ingredient would be Alpo?

Personally, I think this is the same clone that does the Dunkin Donuts commercials. It was bad enough to have a major food personality doing commercials for fast food, but now she's making dog food too.

Oprah Winfrey -- Oprah is, of course, the Queen of the Cloned. How else to explain that she now looks ten years younger than she did twenty years ago? Few are aware that there are literally dozens of Oprahs slowly taking over the universe.

For example, a team of twelve Oprahs painstakingly reads every new work of literature each month in order to come up with a short list for the Oprah Book Club. This list is then given to Oprah 1.0 each month before she just ends up choosing another made-up memoir. There's one Oprah who does nothing but pose for the cover of O each month. Four other Oprahs have even retired; one plays Parcheesi with a discarded Regis clone every Wednesday.

Wolf Blitzer -- There has to be more than one Wolf to explain how he can remain so excited for so many hours on CNN. And unlike other anchors, the Wolfs don't even get to sit down.

Larry King -- Speaking of CNN, it is little known that Larry King actually retired to Palm Springs in 1995, when CNN made history by creating the first television clone to continue hosting "Larry King Live." Unfortunately, the then primitive cloning techniques resulted in several genetic discrepancies, which will explain why the current version often doesn't seem to have any idea what he's talking about.

Dr. Phil -- This is an even sadder story. All was going well, until someone mistakenly made a clone of Dr. Phil that was based on a copy. Unfortunately, all that clone wanted to do was talk about Britney Spears, and the project had to be abandoned.

Ryan Seacrest -- Seacrest was the first celebrity to have his cloning completely automated. Unfortunately, someone left the Seacrest-Making Machine on too long, which is why a Seacrest now hosts 13 different shows each week. Every time he says "Seacrest Out," just remember that there are a dozen more waiting to clock in.

ESPN Anchors -- ESPN has taken a different approach. Instead of making complete clones, each SportsCenter anchor is genetically 99% identical to every other SportsCenter anchor. The remaining 1% comes from a random subset of Americans so that viewers will mistakenly think that each anchor is different. They are not. This also allows each anchor to come up with slightly different, though equally lame, catchphrases for highlights. This innovative approach is why ESPN remains the worldwide leader in cloning.

Rosie O'Donnell -- Several clones were made of Rosie O'Donnell earlier in the decade, although all but one were decommissioned by Barbara Walters in early 2007.

Martha Stewart -- It must have been rough for that one clone who was stuck doing Martha's jail term. One moment, you're whisked into existence to arrange flowers; the next, you're doing hard time. While the one Martha was in jail, an entire army of Marthas were forced to stay undercover at her mansion, so that the feds wouldn't catch on. You wouldn't believe how much they got done.

    A periodic humor column, disguised as a blog. New columns published on Tuesdays or not as the case may be.


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