The 20 Nights of Bond

What I Learned from the Ultimate James Bond Marathon

(A shorter version of this originally appeared in The Boston Globe)

As Daniel Craig prepares for his debut as the latest James Bond in "Casino Royale," here are a few tips from previous Bonds on how to live in the surreal world of 007.

Dr. No

If one comes into contact with radiation, a twenty-second shower should solve the problem.

Just before being attacked, always take the time to straighten your tie. 

From Russia with Love

Upon finding a naked Russian girl in your bed, it is appropriate to shake hands first.

You can still be a super spy even when riding in a station wagon.


Never snicker when a lady tells you her name.

Whatever you do, don't go into that web of sin.


If when leaving your apartment you run into yourself at the door, duck.

While considered bad form in some circles, if necessary one's dance partner may be used as a human shield against bullets.

You Only Live Twice

There is a fine line between looking Japanese and just looking like Leonard Nimoy.

Even if a helicopter with a giant magnet picks up your car, be sure to keep steering.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

A simple pair of glasses can render one completely unrecognizable. See also Superman.

Before chasing James Bond through the Alps, always remember to put on a new set of snow treads.

Diamonds are Forever

Even hitmen like to hold hands sometimes.

There really aren't that many good options when attempting to hide a cassette tape in a bikini.

Live and Let Die

When in Harlem, it is often difficult for a white British secret agent to go undercover.

The viability of the crocodile as a running surface has been severely underestimated.

The Man with the Golden Gun

Sports cars that turn into airplanes are cool.

When dealing with the predicament of having two women in your bedroom at the same time, one can always store the first in a closet until finished with the second.

The Spy Who Loved Me

Sports cars that turn into submarines are cooler than sports cars that turn into airplanes.

Remain vigilant when a villain suggests that you take the elevator.


It's best not to hold one's fight scenes in a museum full of glass.

When keeping a spy captive on a space station, try to keep him away from the emergency stop button.

For Your Eyes Only

Biathlon skills are handier than one would expect.

Sometimes, the most dangerous thing a spy will ever confront is a teenage girl.


It is never appropriate for a gentleman spy to make dick jokes.

Spies need only a few seconds to apply full clown makeup. 

A View to a Kill

Although it may be considered a crime for the rest of us, it's perfectly acceptable for a middle-aged spy to show up naked in the bed of a woman he barely knows.

Spies should always be able to cook up a good quiche.

The Living Daylights

Cello cases are more aerodynamic than one would think.

Bond does not belong in a bumper car.

License to Kill

It is bad luck for the groom to participate in a drug bust on the morning of his wedding.

Never trust a televangelist who asks you back to his private meditation chamber. If he happens to be Wayne Newton, that should also be a sign.


Don't panic when falling off a cliff. There may be an airplane you can jump into on the way down.

Never underestimate a tank during a high-speed chase.

Tomorrow Never Dies

If you have to be handcuffed to someone during a motorcycle chase, try to make sure it's Michelle Yeoh.

If someone walks into your party claiming to be a banker named James Bond, he's probably not a banker.

The World is Not Enough

Denise Richards can be more helpful than one would expect while defusing a nuclear bomb.

When trying to obtain a clean bill of health, it helps to seduce the doctor.

Die Another Day

Nobody designs a virtual reality game quite like Q.

Always remember where you parked your invisible car. 


Casino Royale(The Original)

There is such a thing as too much parody.

Really, one Bond is enough.

Never Say Never Again

Being especially skilled at video games is no way for a villain to intimidate.

When trying to blow up James Bond's hotel room, always allow for the possibility that he might be visiting a lady in another room.

And finally, don't sweat the details. It's just Bond.


    A periodic humor column, disguised as a blog. New columns published on Tuesdays or not as the case may be.


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