Boston Sports Review: Body Language Report Card

Football isn't just about winning and losing anymore. There's also body language to consider. What good is winning, if you look down in the dumps while doing so? Therefore, it is time to present our first-ever Body Language Report Card. Forget their record. Let's see what the New England Patriots are really feeling out there on the field.

Quarterback: C-

Unfortunately, Tom Brady continues to look sad. During a key drive last week, for example, he looked as forlorn as a lost puppy. Sure, he eventually scored a touchdown, but unlike in the past he wasn't able to do it with his normal panache. Where is that golden California boy and his effortless confidence? Instead, he seems to be always slouching his shoulders and frowning. Why so blue, Tom?

These days, Tom Brady looks more like a man behind on his mortgage payments than a millionaire star quarterback. If this continues, you have to believe that opposing defenses will try to take advantage of his sadness with complex defensive schemes designed to reveal the hopeless futility of our very existence. That and the safety blitz.

Actually, I was tempted to give him a much lower grade, but then I asked my girlfriend who said his body language was just fine.

Offensive Line: D-

Let's face it. If there's one group of 300-pound men that needs to get in touch with their innermost feelings, it's the offensive line of the New England Patriots. What's bothering them? I just wish they would talk about it, instead of all this brooding. Let us into your world, offensive line. Maybe we can help.

Receivers: A

Whoever they are this year, they look happy to be here. That tall guy they just got, sure he didn't catch a pass last week and not even the announcers can remember his name, but he was still always smiling. That's the kind of unbridled enthusiasm this team needs more of.

Running Backs: B+

Excellent body language! I would give them an A, except that their last touchdown dance resulted in a "celebration penalty." Guys, maybe let's tone down the happy body language a little next time, okay?

Field Goal Kicker: F

He looks scared, and you would too, if you were replacing Adam Vinatieri.

Punt Returners: C

Frankly, at times during the last game, they looked like they didn't even want to be on the field, but then they were able to call a Fair Catch, and all was well again. If only other members of the team could call a Fair Catch when they were feeling down too.

Defensive Line: A+

When Richard Seymour sacks the opposing quarterback, Seymour's body language may not always look great, but it's a hell of a lot better than the body language of the quarterback lying on the ground.

Linebackers: C

It's the strangest thing. Whenever the team is winning, these guys look fine. But, once they start losing, their body demeanor falters, and they begin to look downtrodden again. Luckily, there were a few players who looked happy regardless of whether the team was winning or losing. Inexplicably, though, Coach Belichick took them all out, and they haven't played since. Now, I ask you, Coach. Is that any way to lead the league in body language?

Secondary: C+

Their body demeanor looked great early in the season, but then key members of the secondary started listening to sports radio, and it all went downhill from there.

Head Coach: Incomplete

For yet another week, Bill Belichick was completely without body language. There was a time in the second quarter when it looked like he might have a moment of body language, but then he pulled up the hood on his sweatshirt and blocked out the world once again. Sure, the Patriots managed to win the game, but sooner or later the body language issue is going to catch up with him.

Cheerleaders: A-

Sure, they look happy, but it's almost as if it's a forced happiness. I, for one, am worried about them and will continue to monitor their body language carefully throughout the rest of the season.


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